Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
