my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
