Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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