Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
