Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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