so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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