he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
