And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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