I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
