seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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