My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
