You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You brought string cheese to the strip club
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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