the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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