Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
