i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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