Screwed.edu
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
