Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
