The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
