The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
