I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
