end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
