I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
