I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
