At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
