wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
