we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
