Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
