I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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