there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
