he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
