he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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