By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
