I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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