I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
