Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
