Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
