Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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