In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
