Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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