is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
