I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
