i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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