Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Mom said you looked used
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
