i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
