I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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