Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
