I swear she didn't look like that last week.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
