rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
