I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
