he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
