I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Boobs speak an international language.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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